It's time....again....

Paul is going back to Holland on another business trip next week. I don't know why they call it a business trip...sounds like it should be stressful or something! He gets to work much shorter hours than he does here and he gets to travel to any European country he wants to!  It's supposed to be a much a shorter trip this time. Just a few weeks. Hopefully. Last time he was gone things got a little crazy over there and we weren't sure when he was coming home.

I am not on call for any babies while he is gone this time.  The last two trips I was on call and it was hard having to stay at home by ourselves. This time I am going to see my parents and spend a very belated holiday weekend with all of my siblings and their families. Getting all five of us together with our spouses and kids is a rare thing due to our locations and schedules. The only person missing will be Paul. :(  He is a bit bummed about missing the Super Bowl, Valentines Day and our  family weekend.

 I still don't think that Lauren realizes that he is leaving again. We have tried o talk about it with her. We'll see how it goes. She was very brave the last  time we took him to the airport. She didn't cry in the airport at all. We were walking out to the car and she turned to me and said "Mom, when we get outside can I bawl my eyes out?"  My heart broke.

Allowance

After much discussion, we decided that Lauren was old enough for an allowance and to learn the responsibility of money. She has a daily chore chart that she has to complete and in return she receives her allowance at the end of the week.   Below is an idea that we borrowed from one of our pastors at church. We decided a starting amount and we also have a top amount  as she gets older. Yes, there is a cap!

We bought an index card sized accordian file:

We labeled three separate compartments: Give, Save, and Spend.  In the give slot she puts in a  portion of her money to give to God for her tithe. In the save spot she puts in a portion to save for something big that she wants or we will put it in the bank for her.  In the spend slot she puts the rest of her money into for buying  little things or doing something fun like going for dessert, etc. .

She seems to like the idea of earning money and being able to use her own money for things she wanted.  It was such a joy to see how excited she was to give her money to God! We had a few talks last week about what tithing meant and how God wants us to use our money.

A new year, new happenings!

I know that it's ten days into the new year, but we have been slightly busy adjustung to new changes around here. Paul and Lauren both went back to school last week. Paul is finishing up his degree and Lauren started first grade. She finished kidergarten in three months. The option was to move her up or continue to do the same things for the remainder of the school year.  I was a little worried that we were pushing her too fast, but she seems to be handling things well.  Being ahead will enable us to slow down if she does have some trouble. After seeking some wise counsel, I feel that were are doing a good thing. It is so much fun to see her grasp new concepts!

The rest of the crew...

Laurenisms

I found a list of things that Lauren has shared over the past year and I laughed until I cried while looking back on some of her statements. Here are a few:

"God hits drums in the sky with his really big hands and that is what makes the thunder."

"Oh, it sure looks like a Monday out there!"

"Now give me a big kiss so we can have lots of babies." (While pretending to get married)

"Mom, please don't buy any broccolli. Our house told me that it doesn't like it."

 "hoopaloop" was what she called a hulahoop

"Mom, can you help me find my chopstick?" "My lips hurt."  (chapstick)

Gesturing with her hands...."Lauren, what are you doing?"......"I'm speaking spanish in sign language!" 

Thankfulness

Do you remember the song that we sang as little kids? "Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings, see what God has done. Count your many blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done."  I have memories of my mom singing this song to us when we would complain about something! I am so overcome with how wonderful our God has been to our family this year. God brought us through Lauren's epilepsy journey. Things are controlled and now we have to just trust Him with her future. God has shown me so much grace over this year as I got so frustrated with the "Why me, God? Why us?" God took my husband to Holland for awhile. He showed me a lot about myself during that time and then God brought him home safely to us. He even brought him home early! God's timing is so awesome. There was a lot going on in our lives a few weeks ago that we were having to deal with on the phone many miles apart. I was almost at a breaking point when I got a call that said that Paul would be home sooner rather then later. I have never cried such tears of joy! There is so much that has happened in the past year and time and time again the scales have been pulled from eyes and God has revealed His greatness! I pray that you all have a blessed holiday tomorrow and that this holiday season will reveal something incredible!

Thoughts...

I have been trying to figure out for quite some time how to explain how Paul and I feel about Halloween. This article explains it well. On a side note...I have a really cute picture of  Lauren's pumpkin that she decorated except that I can't figure out how to get pictures off of my phone. Anyway, hope you enjoy this post:

182010Making Peace With Halloween (v1.2)

POSTED BY Jason Gray



I posted this a year ago, and since there are probably new readers who have gathered here in the rabbit room since, I thought I’d repost (and revise) it. I hope it’s helpful and edifying.



A couple nights ago, as I was in the throes of carving our family’s final jack-o-lantern – feverishly cutting out the stripes of Charlie Brown’s shirt (we usually fashion our pumpkins into Peanuts characters) – my wife Taya gave a gentle, reflective laugh. “I love what you’re doing right now”



“What?”



“I love how you’re really digging into that pumpkin”



“What are you talking about?”



“Remember when we were first married?” she asked, and then brought our boys into the conversation. “When we were first married, you guys, your dad wouldn’t allow us to have pumpkins, dress up, or even have candy to give out.”



“Really dad, how come?”



Taya continued, “As I recall, you didn’t even let us have a Christmas tree that first year.” She said with a gracious smile, remarkably without a note of contempt.



“Why?” one of the boys asked again.



I was having to put my elbows into it now, hollowing out the flesh of the pumpkin so the candle would better show through the carving. “Ahhhh, you guys…” I said with a tone of regretful concession…





“I grew up in a pretty legalistic environment where they believed Halloween was the devil’s holiday, and if you participated in it at all, you were guilty of devil worship. And then because of some obscure verse – in Jeremiah or Isaiah I think – about bringing a tree into your living room… well, because of this I wouldn’t let your mom get a Christmas tree either.” Then looking at Taya I said, “I’m Sorry” with an apologetic smile. Returning to the work at hand I said, “I’m glad you hung in there with me.”



I guess you could say my convictions on these kinds of things have taken a different shape over the years. There are those from my legalistic past who might say I’ve softened, but in fact it actually feels like my theology on these things has sharpened, maybe even enough to help in the work of dividing soul and spirit, “judging the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” For it’s in the heart, in my opinion, what’s really at stake comes to light.



This post would take much too long to definitively defend and document all that could be said about Halloween, and I’m writing this less as a comprehensive manifesto than as a humble perspective that I hope might make for enjoyable reading and maybe even aid in a grace-full observance of a holiday that comes with some baggage and leaves some of us with mixed feelings (you know who you are).



And it’s not hard to see why, what with all the images of death and darkness that go along with the day. But in my case, most of my personal hang ups concerning Halloween came from the same place that all my legalistic instincts come from: fear. Fear has always distorted the way I see the world and caused me to be reactive - to circle the wagons and take a strident, defensive stance. Fear shrinks my world and can even make me doubt grace and it’s hold on me.



Fear that if I listen to secular music, my mind will be darkened and I’ll become a sex crazed reprobate. Fear that if I have a sip of beer I’ll become an alcoholic. Fear that if I enjoy something it must be inherently bad. Fear that if I go trick or treating with my kids or put up a Christmas tree I’ll inadvertently cast us headlong into paganism.



And so on and so forth.



But fear is what love intends to cast out, because to act out of fear is very different than to act from love. If fear is reactive, maybe we can understand love as being pro-active – and this thought excites me.



One of the more humbling and awe-inspiring theological traditions is the idea that we are called to be co-creators with Christ. Of course we can’t create like God did, ex nihilo, out of nothing, but God has called us to be re-creative with what he’s already made - and there isn’t anything that exists that wasn’t made by him. Bent and broken as a thing may be, there is the possibility for its redemption. And we get to play a part in the unfolding drama of this ongoing redemption and reclamation. At least that’s how I read it.



In this way, I believe that as co-creators with Christ we’re also given the privilege of being co-sanctifiers, or “little Christs” as C.S. Lewis might say – participating in Kingdom Come, reclaiming what otherwise might be lost, bringing it into submission to the knowledge of Christ.



Maybe you remember the worship wars in the 80’s and 90’s when there was much debate over things like whether or not you could have drums in a sanctuary and everyone was arguing about which style of music was God’s favorite? Well, at some point we had to realize that music is more often than not what we make of it. Heavy metal or easy listening, both or neither can bring honor to God – it depends on what intention of the heart is driving it. It was the human heart, after all, that lusted for the forbidden fruit, meaning that it was with our hearts, more than our hands, that we reached to take the fruit, ushering in the Fall. And it is still within the human heart where motives are determined and identities revealed.



An example from scripture: food sacrificed to idols is not necessarily evil when placed in the hands of the true worshipper of God. Purified and repurposed in the heart and conscience of the believer, it is restored to its original state of being simply food. If it’s the heart that defiles or purifies food (1 Cor. 8:7), I guess I’ve come to believe that it’s also the heart that defiles or purifies a certain day of the year. That means a day what we make of it. And my conviction now is that if it’s God’s will for me to play a redemptive role in all of this, I want to start trying out for the most beautiful part available to me.



Much of my religious formation took place in a milieu of shame, fear, and guilt, leaving me at once affirmed in my self-righteousness, alone in my sin, and burnt out on the holiness-works-guilt treadmill as I tried to prove my devotion to God, to myself, and even to those around me.



Into that milieu, God visited me with a grace awakening several years ago through authors like Brennan Manning and Frederick Buechner as well as a renewed filter through which to read my bible – texts that once barked their austere demands at me slowly began to whisper and hum with secrets of a Love so outlandish and scandalous that I could hardly take it in. Books like Galatians and of course the gospels came alive for me with colors and notes I’d never noticed before. And slowly, ever so slowly, the bondage of fear began to break and the world was given back to me. The difference between legitimate and contrived definitions of sin and devotion began to come into focus, too.



In the matter of Halloween, I began to see that my own reservations about the day had more to do with my own baggage than that of the holiday itself.



(What I suppose I should mention here is that I take evil and the occult very seriously. A part of my history that I don’t like to dwell on is the fact that for many years I lived with a stepfather who was deeply involved in the occult. I could tell you stories, but I’ll spare us both. Suffice it to say that a lot of what gets passed off as “occultic” or satanic has very little to do with the real thing.)



Much is made of Halloween’s ties to the occult, though further research reveals that a lot of its association with the holiday might be more a matter of hype, opportunism, and aesthetic than anything else. Do distasteful and evil things take place on Halloween night? Regrettably, I’m sure of it. Is it really the devil’s holiday? I don’t think so. It could be, if that’s what you want to make of it, but to say October 31st is inherently evil is maybe to give more power to a calendar day than is warranted.



Some of Halloween’s roots come from the Celtic “Festival Of The Dead” - a day to mark the end of the harvest season as well as the months of extended light before heading into the darker months. It was also a time to remember and even honor the dead. It was believed by the superstitious to coincide with a time when the barrier between the physical and the spirit world was thinner, leading to all kinds of bizarre notions of dressing up in fearsome masks in order to scare away any evil spirits that might have broken through.



I’m reminded of the hulking statues of fierce warriors that Taya and I saw guarding the gates of the Buddhist temple in Asakusa in Tokyo who were posted there to scare away evil spirits that might want to crash the party and harass devout temple goers. This kind of stuff reveals misguided ideas of good and evil, but is relatively harmless, I suppose – except to the degree that it distracts us from the truth of how the world really works.



So it’s not my intent to diminish the reality of Satan and his work - I’m sure the devil is pleased when we don’t believe he exists. But I imagine he is equally pleased when we are distracted by distorted and misguided notions of who he is and what he’s doing.



I’m not convinced that Satan is as determined to recruit worshippers as much as he’s content to influence us to worship ourselves – the very thing we are the most eager to do. The temptation in the Garden, if we remember, was that we would “be as gods”, that we would be central and in the driver’s seat. Are there those who devote their lives to actual devil worship? Yes, I’m sure. But let me suggest that whenever any of us serve ourselves – when we are self-centered – we serve Satan’s agenda and participate, intentionally or not, in the work of the devil. All the hurt, war, poverty, dissension, and deceit that are born of our selfishness has brought more hell on earth than the relatively small number of sincere Satanists, whose religious identity seems more or less driven by a desire to be counter-culture and empowered, which in the end is more about self-service than genuine religious devotion anyway. Marilyn Manson is less a devilish threat than he is a pitiable attention seeker.



In other words, it’s probable that my misguided attempts at taking a stand against Halloween, rooted in my own fear and self-righteousness, may have done more to distract myself and those around me from the more legitimate and potent works of the devil. One thing I do know for sure is that they didn’t do a thing to make the gospel look beautiful. They probably just made me and my faith look foolish.



And this brings me back to the matter of carving jack-o-lanterns. When Taya and I were first married, I forbid such pagan practices in our home assuming there to be something inherently sinister about carving a face in the flesh of a pumpkin. When kids would come to our door, I’d awkwardly explain that we didn’t have candy because we didn’t participate in Halloween (until I couldn’t stomach it anymore and just stopped answering the door). And though it pains me greatly to admit this, I will confess in the interest of truth telling that one year I even handed out some gospel tracts to trick or treaters.



Yep. I was that guy.



I’m sure the kids really appreciated that! I’m sure they couldn’t wait to find out more about this stingy Jesus who doesn’t let his followers hand out candy to kids. Score one against Ol’ Scratch, right?



A lot has changed since then, and these days my guiding conviction is that my job as a co-sanctifier with Christ is to take what is broken and do my part in reclaiming it, perhaps even making it beautiful, by God’s grace. My earlier attempts of disavowing Halloween were neither redemptive nor beautiful. At best they might have been neutral, but I suspect they did more damage than good.



And all the while my poor wife Taya suffered from my misguided religious zeal! That is, until we had kids. And then she put her foot down.



My resolve was beginning to crack by that time anyway, and my first venture back into the world of trick or treating was timid (though I had loved it as a kid). Our twins were two and we dressed them up as Charlie Brown and Linus (it was awesome!) and went to the Barnes & Noble Halloween party where they toddled around asking workers for candy. It was fun, and I even made it through the experience unscathed by legalistic guilt!



Since then, Halloween has become one of our favorite holidays in the Gray household. We try to avoid “the appearance of evil” by eschewing costumes that strike us as “dark” or otherwise distasteful, choosing instead to hit the streets as a whoopee cushion, bottle of ketchup, or a ninja warrior, walking the two blocks of our neighborhood freezing in the late October chill. When the twins were little and their hands would get cold, they’d each slip them into my gloved hand to warm them up as we’d walk door to door. It’s one of my most cherished memories of all time. Then I’d stand back as they would timidly take the steps of a neighbor’s house, knock, and with little voices say “trick or treat” and then “thank you”. Taya would stay back at our house to greet trick or treaters, handing out copious amounts of candy (everyone knows us as the “gospel singing family” and she wants to build a reputation of generosity for us. Perhaps she’s also making up for the “lost years”…) Over time it has grown into a Halloween party where we invite friends over and Taya makes cookies in the shapes of fingers and eyeballs, and we laugh and enjoy each other immensely. You see, these days I’m more interested in reclaiming things and repurposing them than I am protesting.



All this to say: I’m excited about our Halloween plans this year.



I’m excited to have friends and family to our house to laugh with and enjoy.



I’m excited to spend time in my community with my neighbors.



I’m excited to hold my little boy’s hand in the warmth of my glove when his gets cold.



I’ve even come to value the opportunity the spookier goings-on of Halloween affords us to face our deep rooted fears of mortality and to even poke a little fun at death. It could be that hidden beneath the ragged clothes and garish make-up of our zombie costumes is the universal hope that death doesn’t really have the final say…



And I’d be lying if I didn’t also say that I’m excited about finger and eyeball cookies.



Of course Paul reminds us that all things are permissible, though not everything is beneficial, and it’s true there is hardly a thing under the sun that we aren’t able to justify if we put our minds to it. Whether Halloween is permissible or even beneficial for you is ultimately a matter to be worked out in your own heart.



But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord, with friends and family and costumes and candy this October 31st.

Fall 2010

One week...

We made it a week! Everyone is still accounted for and the bills have been payed on time. Paul is working a lot, but says he is having fun. In his words it's an "experience." Everytime I talk to him I always ask what he ate that day just to see if he is going out of his food comfort zone at all. Yesterday I asked him what was for dinner and he said "I don't know...but it was good!" That made me laugh!
Lauren and I are hanging in there. Trying to keep ourselves busy. Yesterday she came down with strep throat. Our weekend plans have been rescheduled and we are having a quiet weekend at home.

Here we go...

I did it. I said goodbye to my husband and put him on a plane to Europe.
 Lauren handled things really well up until she wanted to look out the window at the planes. We had a discussion about how people got on the plane and how big the seats were, ect....then it happened. Big alligator tears that turned into one of those hiccuping, whole body sobs. I am so glad that Paul was past security at that point and couldn't hear or see her. He would have had a break down. The crying lasted for an hour! Oh, how my heart hurt for her!
 We had friends that had invited us over for the afternoon. I wasn't sure if we should try to keep busy or just go home. Well, we went to our friends house and let me tell you...it was incredible. They made us steak and baked potatoes! After dinner they brought out a  DQ ice cream cake to celebrate Lauren's birthday that had been the day before. Lauren was so excited that they remembered her birthday and they did such great job of distracting us from what was such a yucky day. It was so nice to be loved on and to be with people who understood that being seperated from your spouse for an unknown amount of time is not easy. God is so awesome! I was so worried about what how Lauren would handle it today and God just took care of it!

World Traveler

So, the big news in our house is that my husband is leaving in two weeks for Europe. His job is sending him to help out in Cologne, Germany and possibly Amsterdam. Family is not allowed to travel with him since it is a short term relocation. We think he will be gone for about two months. I'm sad that he won't be here, but very excited for him to have this opportunity. I've always wanted to show him the places where I grew up and now he will get to see some of it! I will admit that I am dealing with a bit of jealousy! I want to go too! We might be able to visit him, but airline tickets are so pricey right now. Sigh...maybe we will become overnight millionares!
I am a bit worried about how Lauren is going to handle this. She is the ultimate daddy's girl. We told her that he was going to go to Germany to work for awhile, but I don't think she quite understands that she and I aren't going. We'll see how it goes. He will fly out the day after she turns five.

Just a nugget of wisdom...

Here is a little excerpt from a book I'm reading: Girl Talk by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre. This is Carolyn's response to "If you could raise your daughter all over again, what would you do differently?" This answer kicked my butt!

I wish I had trusted God more.




For every fearful peek into the future, I wish I had looked up to Christ instead. For each imaginary trouble conjured up, I wish I had recalled the specific, unfailing faithfulness of God. In place of dismay and dread, I wish I had exhibited hope and joy. I wish I had approached mothering like the preacher Charles Spurgeon approached his job: 'forecasting victory, not foreboding defeat.'. . .



As women, aren't we all vulnerable to fear, worry, and anxiety? And few areas tempt us more than mothering. But faith must dictate our mothering, not fear. . .Faith toward God is the foundation of effective mothering. . . Success as a mother doesn't begin with hard work or sound principles or consistent discipline (as necessary as these are). It begins with God: His character, His faithfulness, His promises, His sovereignty (pg 65).



Even in the most trying situations with our daughters, we have much more incentive to trust than to fear, much more cause for peace and joy than despair. That's because, as Christians, we have the hope of the gospel.



The gospel begins with bad news. It confirms the fact that we are all sinful, rebellious creatures. . .But the gospel doesn't leave us with bad news. The message of the gospel is that Jesus Christ has come to save rebellious sinners: mothers and daughters (pg 66).

Kindergarten!

Holy Cow! We did it! We made it through the first three days of kindergarten. For those of you who don't know, we decided to homeschool for a while and see where God leads us. This decision did not come easily at all. It was a very long few years (seriously, it was years!) of me arguing with God and telling him NO! Apparently, God won! Anyway, I am so proud of my child! She has jumped right in and done really well with our new schedule. She came into my room really early this morning and said "Mommy, hurry! The sun is up, we need to start our school day! " It made me smile! I'm glad she is so happy!

Where did the time go?

Oh, how I miss this little two year old! She is so excited to start kindergarten on Monday. She will be five next month! Kindergarten and a birthday in less than a month..... my heart hurts...in a good way! 

I was planning on having a nice relaxing weekend before the school day routine started, but it's turning out to be the opposite of that! This month is a very busy month for babies. I was really excited because I have had three moms give birth in a week and a half.  Two of the births were in a 30 hour period. I was tired, but adrenaline kept me going. The morning after the third birth, I came home and slept for two hours until I had to go to work at Babyology. When I woke up I thought that a bug or something had bitten me in my sleep, but soon found out that I had hives! By the time I got home from work I was covered from my shoulders down and very itchy! This morning I woke up and my eyelids were covered and they were all over my tongue. Of course my doctor is out of town until Wednesday! I called urgent care and they said not to worry unless I had facial swelling or I had trouble breathing. Nice! I have been on around the clock benedryl since yesterday. This is the craziest thing that I have ever experienced! I have no idea what caused it.  Hopefully all will be better by Monday!

Laurenism...

So, today my mom was talking to Lauren on the phone and they were talking about a painting easel that she had gotten a few years ago. Lauren stops talking, looks at me and says "Mom, where is my painting weasel?"  Paul and I both cracked up for a few minutes! I love it when little things like that come out of her mouth because I am reminded of how young she still is.  Anyway, that was a bit of humor form our Sunday afternoon!