Laurenisms

I found a list of things that Lauren has shared over the past year and I laughed until I cried while looking back on some of her statements. Here are a few:

"God hits drums in the sky with his really big hands and that is what makes the thunder."

"Oh, it sure looks like a Monday out there!"

"Now give me a big kiss so we can have lots of babies." (While pretending to get married)

"Mom, please don't buy any broccolli. Our house told me that it doesn't like it."

 "hoopaloop" was what she called a hulahoop

"Mom, can you help me find my chopstick?" "My lips hurt."  (chapstick)

Gesturing with her hands...."Lauren, what are you doing?"......"I'm speaking spanish in sign language!" 

Thankfulness

Do you remember the song that we sang as little kids? "Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings, see what God has done. Count your many blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done."  I have memories of my mom singing this song to us when we would complain about something! I am so overcome with how wonderful our God has been to our family this year. God brought us through Lauren's epilepsy journey. Things are controlled and now we have to just trust Him with her future. God has shown me so much grace over this year as I got so frustrated with the "Why me, God? Why us?" God took my husband to Holland for awhile. He showed me a lot about myself during that time and then God brought him home safely to us. He even brought him home early! God's timing is so awesome. There was a lot going on in our lives a few weeks ago that we were having to deal with on the phone many miles apart. I was almost at a breaking point when I got a call that said that Paul would be home sooner rather then later. I have never cried such tears of joy! There is so much that has happened in the past year and time and time again the scales have been pulled from eyes and God has revealed His greatness! I pray that you all have a blessed holiday tomorrow and that this holiday season will reveal something incredible!

Thoughts...

I have been trying to figure out for quite some time how to explain how Paul and I feel about Halloween. This article explains it well. On a side note...I have a really cute picture of  Lauren's pumpkin that she decorated except that I can't figure out how to get pictures off of my phone. Anyway, hope you enjoy this post:

182010Making Peace With Halloween (v1.2)

POSTED BY Jason Gray



I posted this a year ago, and since there are probably new readers who have gathered here in the rabbit room since, I thought I’d repost (and revise) it. I hope it’s helpful and edifying.



A couple nights ago, as I was in the throes of carving our family’s final jack-o-lantern – feverishly cutting out the stripes of Charlie Brown’s shirt (we usually fashion our pumpkins into Peanuts characters) – my wife Taya gave a gentle, reflective laugh. “I love what you’re doing right now”



“What?”



“I love how you’re really digging into that pumpkin”



“What are you talking about?”



“Remember when we were first married?” she asked, and then brought our boys into the conversation. “When we were first married, you guys, your dad wouldn’t allow us to have pumpkins, dress up, or even have candy to give out.”



“Really dad, how come?”



Taya continued, “As I recall, you didn’t even let us have a Christmas tree that first year.” She said with a gracious smile, remarkably without a note of contempt.



“Why?” one of the boys asked again.



I was having to put my elbows into it now, hollowing out the flesh of the pumpkin so the candle would better show through the carving. “Ahhhh, you guys…” I said with a tone of regretful concession…





“I grew up in a pretty legalistic environment where they believed Halloween was the devil’s holiday, and if you participated in it at all, you were guilty of devil worship. And then because of some obscure verse – in Jeremiah or Isaiah I think – about bringing a tree into your living room… well, because of this I wouldn’t let your mom get a Christmas tree either.” Then looking at Taya I said, “I’m Sorry” with an apologetic smile. Returning to the work at hand I said, “I’m glad you hung in there with me.”



I guess you could say my convictions on these kinds of things have taken a different shape over the years. There are those from my legalistic past who might say I’ve softened, but in fact it actually feels like my theology on these things has sharpened, maybe even enough to help in the work of dividing soul and spirit, “judging the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” For it’s in the heart, in my opinion, what’s really at stake comes to light.



This post would take much too long to definitively defend and document all that could be said about Halloween, and I’m writing this less as a comprehensive manifesto than as a humble perspective that I hope might make for enjoyable reading and maybe even aid in a grace-full observance of a holiday that comes with some baggage and leaves some of us with mixed feelings (you know who you are).



And it’s not hard to see why, what with all the images of death and darkness that go along with the day. But in my case, most of my personal hang ups concerning Halloween came from the same place that all my legalistic instincts come from: fear. Fear has always distorted the way I see the world and caused me to be reactive - to circle the wagons and take a strident, defensive stance. Fear shrinks my world and can even make me doubt grace and it’s hold on me.



Fear that if I listen to secular music, my mind will be darkened and I’ll become a sex crazed reprobate. Fear that if I have a sip of beer I’ll become an alcoholic. Fear that if I enjoy something it must be inherently bad. Fear that if I go trick or treating with my kids or put up a Christmas tree I’ll inadvertently cast us headlong into paganism.



And so on and so forth.



But fear is what love intends to cast out, because to act out of fear is very different than to act from love. If fear is reactive, maybe we can understand love as being pro-active – and this thought excites me.



One of the more humbling and awe-inspiring theological traditions is the idea that we are called to be co-creators with Christ. Of course we can’t create like God did, ex nihilo, out of nothing, but God has called us to be re-creative with what he’s already made - and there isn’t anything that exists that wasn’t made by him. Bent and broken as a thing may be, there is the possibility for its redemption. And we get to play a part in the unfolding drama of this ongoing redemption and reclamation. At least that’s how I read it.



In this way, I believe that as co-creators with Christ we’re also given the privilege of being co-sanctifiers, or “little Christs” as C.S. Lewis might say – participating in Kingdom Come, reclaiming what otherwise might be lost, bringing it into submission to the knowledge of Christ.



Maybe you remember the worship wars in the 80’s and 90’s when there was much debate over things like whether or not you could have drums in a sanctuary and everyone was arguing about which style of music was God’s favorite? Well, at some point we had to realize that music is more often than not what we make of it. Heavy metal or easy listening, both or neither can bring honor to God – it depends on what intention of the heart is driving it. It was the human heart, after all, that lusted for the forbidden fruit, meaning that it was with our hearts, more than our hands, that we reached to take the fruit, ushering in the Fall. And it is still within the human heart where motives are determined and identities revealed.



An example from scripture: food sacrificed to idols is not necessarily evil when placed in the hands of the true worshipper of God. Purified and repurposed in the heart and conscience of the believer, it is restored to its original state of being simply food. If it’s the heart that defiles or purifies food (1 Cor. 8:7), I guess I’ve come to believe that it’s also the heart that defiles or purifies a certain day of the year. That means a day what we make of it. And my conviction now is that if it’s God’s will for me to play a redemptive role in all of this, I want to start trying out for the most beautiful part available to me.



Much of my religious formation took place in a milieu of shame, fear, and guilt, leaving me at once affirmed in my self-righteousness, alone in my sin, and burnt out on the holiness-works-guilt treadmill as I tried to prove my devotion to God, to myself, and even to those around me.



Into that milieu, God visited me with a grace awakening several years ago through authors like Brennan Manning and Frederick Buechner as well as a renewed filter through which to read my bible – texts that once barked their austere demands at me slowly began to whisper and hum with secrets of a Love so outlandish and scandalous that I could hardly take it in. Books like Galatians and of course the gospels came alive for me with colors and notes I’d never noticed before. And slowly, ever so slowly, the bondage of fear began to break and the world was given back to me. The difference between legitimate and contrived definitions of sin and devotion began to come into focus, too.



In the matter of Halloween, I began to see that my own reservations about the day had more to do with my own baggage than that of the holiday itself.



(What I suppose I should mention here is that I take evil and the occult very seriously. A part of my history that I don’t like to dwell on is the fact that for many years I lived with a stepfather who was deeply involved in the occult. I could tell you stories, but I’ll spare us both. Suffice it to say that a lot of what gets passed off as “occultic” or satanic has very little to do with the real thing.)



Much is made of Halloween’s ties to the occult, though further research reveals that a lot of its association with the holiday might be more a matter of hype, opportunism, and aesthetic than anything else. Do distasteful and evil things take place on Halloween night? Regrettably, I’m sure of it. Is it really the devil’s holiday? I don’t think so. It could be, if that’s what you want to make of it, but to say October 31st is inherently evil is maybe to give more power to a calendar day than is warranted.



Some of Halloween’s roots come from the Celtic “Festival Of The Dead” - a day to mark the end of the harvest season as well as the months of extended light before heading into the darker months. It was also a time to remember and even honor the dead. It was believed by the superstitious to coincide with a time when the barrier between the physical and the spirit world was thinner, leading to all kinds of bizarre notions of dressing up in fearsome masks in order to scare away any evil spirits that might have broken through.



I’m reminded of the hulking statues of fierce warriors that Taya and I saw guarding the gates of the Buddhist temple in Asakusa in Tokyo who were posted there to scare away evil spirits that might want to crash the party and harass devout temple goers. This kind of stuff reveals misguided ideas of good and evil, but is relatively harmless, I suppose – except to the degree that it distracts us from the truth of how the world really works.



So it’s not my intent to diminish the reality of Satan and his work - I’m sure the devil is pleased when we don’t believe he exists. But I imagine he is equally pleased when we are distracted by distorted and misguided notions of who he is and what he’s doing.



I’m not convinced that Satan is as determined to recruit worshippers as much as he’s content to influence us to worship ourselves – the very thing we are the most eager to do. The temptation in the Garden, if we remember, was that we would “be as gods”, that we would be central and in the driver’s seat. Are there those who devote their lives to actual devil worship? Yes, I’m sure. But let me suggest that whenever any of us serve ourselves – when we are self-centered – we serve Satan’s agenda and participate, intentionally or not, in the work of the devil. All the hurt, war, poverty, dissension, and deceit that are born of our selfishness has brought more hell on earth than the relatively small number of sincere Satanists, whose religious identity seems more or less driven by a desire to be counter-culture and empowered, which in the end is more about self-service than genuine religious devotion anyway. Marilyn Manson is less a devilish threat than he is a pitiable attention seeker.



In other words, it’s probable that my misguided attempts at taking a stand against Halloween, rooted in my own fear and self-righteousness, may have done more to distract myself and those around me from the more legitimate and potent works of the devil. One thing I do know for sure is that they didn’t do a thing to make the gospel look beautiful. They probably just made me and my faith look foolish.



And this brings me back to the matter of carving jack-o-lanterns. When Taya and I were first married, I forbid such pagan practices in our home assuming there to be something inherently sinister about carving a face in the flesh of a pumpkin. When kids would come to our door, I’d awkwardly explain that we didn’t have candy because we didn’t participate in Halloween (until I couldn’t stomach it anymore and just stopped answering the door). And though it pains me greatly to admit this, I will confess in the interest of truth telling that one year I even handed out some gospel tracts to trick or treaters.



Yep. I was that guy.



I’m sure the kids really appreciated that! I’m sure they couldn’t wait to find out more about this stingy Jesus who doesn’t let his followers hand out candy to kids. Score one against Ol’ Scratch, right?



A lot has changed since then, and these days my guiding conviction is that my job as a co-sanctifier with Christ is to take what is broken and do my part in reclaiming it, perhaps even making it beautiful, by God’s grace. My earlier attempts of disavowing Halloween were neither redemptive nor beautiful. At best they might have been neutral, but I suspect they did more damage than good.



And all the while my poor wife Taya suffered from my misguided religious zeal! That is, until we had kids. And then she put her foot down.



My resolve was beginning to crack by that time anyway, and my first venture back into the world of trick or treating was timid (though I had loved it as a kid). Our twins were two and we dressed them up as Charlie Brown and Linus (it was awesome!) and went to the Barnes & Noble Halloween party where they toddled around asking workers for candy. It was fun, and I even made it through the experience unscathed by legalistic guilt!



Since then, Halloween has become one of our favorite holidays in the Gray household. We try to avoid “the appearance of evil” by eschewing costumes that strike us as “dark” or otherwise distasteful, choosing instead to hit the streets as a whoopee cushion, bottle of ketchup, or a ninja warrior, walking the two blocks of our neighborhood freezing in the late October chill. When the twins were little and their hands would get cold, they’d each slip them into my gloved hand to warm them up as we’d walk door to door. It’s one of my most cherished memories of all time. Then I’d stand back as they would timidly take the steps of a neighbor’s house, knock, and with little voices say “trick or treat” and then “thank you”. Taya would stay back at our house to greet trick or treaters, handing out copious amounts of candy (everyone knows us as the “gospel singing family” and she wants to build a reputation of generosity for us. Perhaps she’s also making up for the “lost years”…) Over time it has grown into a Halloween party where we invite friends over and Taya makes cookies in the shapes of fingers and eyeballs, and we laugh and enjoy each other immensely. You see, these days I’m more interested in reclaiming things and repurposing them than I am protesting.



All this to say: I’m excited about our Halloween plans this year.



I’m excited to have friends and family to our house to laugh with and enjoy.



I’m excited to spend time in my community with my neighbors.



I’m excited to hold my little boy’s hand in the warmth of my glove when his gets cold.



I’ve even come to value the opportunity the spookier goings-on of Halloween affords us to face our deep rooted fears of mortality and to even poke a little fun at death. It could be that hidden beneath the ragged clothes and garish make-up of our zombie costumes is the universal hope that death doesn’t really have the final say…



And I’d be lying if I didn’t also say that I’m excited about finger and eyeball cookies.



Of course Paul reminds us that all things are permissible, though not everything is beneficial, and it’s true there is hardly a thing under the sun that we aren’t able to justify if we put our minds to it. Whether Halloween is permissible or even beneficial for you is ultimately a matter to be worked out in your own heart.



But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord, with friends and family and costumes and candy this October 31st.

Fall 2010

One week...

We made it a week! Everyone is still accounted for and the bills have been payed on time. Paul is working a lot, but says he is having fun. In his words it's an "experience." Everytime I talk to him I always ask what he ate that day just to see if he is going out of his food comfort zone at all. Yesterday I asked him what was for dinner and he said "I don't know...but it was good!" That made me laugh!
Lauren and I are hanging in there. Trying to keep ourselves busy. Yesterday she came down with strep throat. Our weekend plans have been rescheduled and we are having a quiet weekend at home.

Here we go...

I did it. I said goodbye to my husband and put him on a plane to Europe.
 Lauren handled things really well up until she wanted to look out the window at the planes. We had a discussion about how people got on the plane and how big the seats were, ect....then it happened. Big alligator tears that turned into one of those hiccuping, whole body sobs. I am so glad that Paul was past security at that point and couldn't hear or see her. He would have had a break down. The crying lasted for an hour! Oh, how my heart hurt for her!
 We had friends that had invited us over for the afternoon. I wasn't sure if we should try to keep busy or just go home. Well, we went to our friends house and let me tell you...it was incredible. They made us steak and baked potatoes! After dinner they brought out a  DQ ice cream cake to celebrate Lauren's birthday that had been the day before. Lauren was so excited that they remembered her birthday and they did such great job of distracting us from what was such a yucky day. It was so nice to be loved on and to be with people who understood that being seperated from your spouse for an unknown amount of time is not easy. God is so awesome! I was so worried about what how Lauren would handle it today and God just took care of it!

World Traveler

So, the big news in our house is that my husband is leaving in two weeks for Europe. His job is sending him to help out in Cologne, Germany and possibly Amsterdam. Family is not allowed to travel with him since it is a short term relocation. We think he will be gone for about two months. I'm sad that he won't be here, but very excited for him to have this opportunity. I've always wanted to show him the places where I grew up and now he will get to see some of it! I will admit that I am dealing with a bit of jealousy! I want to go too! We might be able to visit him, but airline tickets are so pricey right now. Sigh...maybe we will become overnight millionares!
I am a bit worried about how Lauren is going to handle this. She is the ultimate daddy's girl. We told her that he was going to go to Germany to work for awhile, but I don't think she quite understands that she and I aren't going. We'll see how it goes. He will fly out the day after she turns five.

Just a nugget of wisdom...

Here is a little excerpt from a book I'm reading: Girl Talk by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre. This is Carolyn's response to "If you could raise your daughter all over again, what would you do differently?" This answer kicked my butt!

I wish I had trusted God more.




For every fearful peek into the future, I wish I had looked up to Christ instead. For each imaginary trouble conjured up, I wish I had recalled the specific, unfailing faithfulness of God. In place of dismay and dread, I wish I had exhibited hope and joy. I wish I had approached mothering like the preacher Charles Spurgeon approached his job: 'forecasting victory, not foreboding defeat.'. . .



As women, aren't we all vulnerable to fear, worry, and anxiety? And few areas tempt us more than mothering. But faith must dictate our mothering, not fear. . .Faith toward God is the foundation of effective mothering. . . Success as a mother doesn't begin with hard work or sound principles or consistent discipline (as necessary as these are). It begins with God: His character, His faithfulness, His promises, His sovereignty (pg 65).



Even in the most trying situations with our daughters, we have much more incentive to trust than to fear, much more cause for peace and joy than despair. That's because, as Christians, we have the hope of the gospel.



The gospel begins with bad news. It confirms the fact that we are all sinful, rebellious creatures. . .But the gospel doesn't leave us with bad news. The message of the gospel is that Jesus Christ has come to save rebellious sinners: mothers and daughters (pg 66).

Kindergarten!

Holy Cow! We did it! We made it through the first three days of kindergarten. For those of you who don't know, we decided to homeschool for a while and see where God leads us. This decision did not come easily at all. It was a very long few years (seriously, it was years!) of me arguing with God and telling him NO! Apparently, God won! Anyway, I am so proud of my child! She has jumped right in and done really well with our new schedule. She came into my room really early this morning and said "Mommy, hurry! The sun is up, we need to start our school day! " It made me smile! I'm glad she is so happy!

Where did the time go?

Oh, how I miss this little two year old! She is so excited to start kindergarten on Monday. She will be five next month! Kindergarten and a birthday in less than a month..... my heart hurts...in a good way! 

I was planning on having a nice relaxing weekend before the school day routine started, but it's turning out to be the opposite of that! This month is a very busy month for babies. I was really excited because I have had three moms give birth in a week and a half.  Two of the births were in a 30 hour period. I was tired, but adrenaline kept me going. The morning after the third birth, I came home and slept for two hours until I had to go to work at Babyology. When I woke up I thought that a bug or something had bitten me in my sleep, but soon found out that I had hives! By the time I got home from work I was covered from my shoulders down and very itchy! This morning I woke up and my eyelids were covered and they were all over my tongue. Of course my doctor is out of town until Wednesday! I called urgent care and they said not to worry unless I had facial swelling or I had trouble breathing. Nice! I have been on around the clock benedryl since yesterday. This is the craziest thing that I have ever experienced! I have no idea what caused it.  Hopefully all will be better by Monday!

Laurenism...

So, today my mom was talking to Lauren on the phone and they were talking about a painting easel that she had gotten a few years ago. Lauren stops talking, looks at me and says "Mom, where is my painting weasel?"  Paul and I both cracked up for a few minutes! I love it when little things like that come out of her mouth because I am reminded of how young she still is.  Anyway, that was a bit of humor form our Sunday afternoon!

Here it is...

Some dear sweet people have challenged a blog off. The subject is "Favorite Things." Here you go, Friends!

Fountian cherry coke from Steak n' Shake. The .29 cent charge for the cherry syrup is so worth it!

HGTV - I love to watch people take a horrid looking room or yard and transform it into beauty. Then I dream about what I would do if I had the money. Then I get slightly depressed....it's a vicious cycle! :)

Flip Flops - A girl's pedicure needs to breathe!

Fall/Cool weather - I love the feeling of putting a sweatshirt on for the first time when it gets cool. When you can combine a sweatshirt and the flip flops for a week or so, that is the best!

Ethnic Food - I'll try anything once, but I love mexican (hole in the wall, real mexican restaurant food!) and my new favorite is Somolian food. Yum!

No judgement! I like country music. Not the twangy, roadhouse, "you think my tractors sexy stuff."  I like Lady Antebellum,  Zack Brown Band, etc. I am a bit picky when it comes to music.

Favorite verse - Isaiah 43:2   Go read it! It has become the verse that has spoken to me over these last months.

Tidbits....

I love the way a little kid's mind works.  It looked like it was going to rain earlier and we were on our way out for a meeting and Lauren says "Did you know that there are really big drums in the sky and God beats on them with his hands and that is what makes the thunder?" I really couldn't help but smile at that one! In her mind that was perfectly logical!

She has learned that we live in one state, but her daddy works in another state. Instead of asking what place we are going, she asks "What state are we going to be in?"

Because of my job, Lauren hears me on the phone quite often discussing pregnancy related issues. I put down the phone earlier today and she came over and said "So, did her water break yet?"  She hasn't asked any questions yet about how babies come out and I am not going to share until she does ask. It was quite interesting when I overheard her talking with one of  her  little friends about where babies come out. Friend: "It comes out of your bottom." Lauren: "No it doesn't. It comes out of your belly! That's why God gave us bellies. It goes in there through your belly button."

Lauren update

We had our Neurology follow up today. Ever since we switched her medication everything seems to be going really well.  We haven't seen a siezure in almost three months. Just because we haven't seen them does not mean that she isn't having them, though. On Aug. 26th we are going to do a 24 hour EEG to see what her brain activity is. They are looking for little "siezure bursts" that last 5 seconds or longer. Those are the ones that will effect her driving and activities as she gets older. She has to be two years siezure free before we can bring her off the medication. When she is 6 1/2 we will try to wean her off the meds and see if she is still having any issues. If she doesn't show any siezure signs then there is a good chance she might have grown out of them. If she does show signs of siezures, we will put her back on the meds an wait another two years. We will continue this process until she hits puberty. Taking things one day at a time is a lot easier said than done for me. It is still really hard not to dwell on what her teenage years might look like!  Thank God that for the time being  things are calm for her.

Color on the wall!

Lauren's new walls....she asked for polkadots so Paul gave them to her!

The valance.....no sewing!

This is what I walked into when I went to check on her one night. Snoring with a russian fur hat on her head!

Everything has been pretty busy here. We have been trying to get our walls painted, finally! No more builder beige! I have been busy this week trying to prepare for the kindergarten year. Lesson plans and a school day schedule.  Our start date is going to have to be flexible due to having three babies in the next three weeks that I am waiting on. Busy! Anyway, Lauren is really excited to start school. I got her books out of the box and she just sat there saying "Oh, thank you, Mommy! Real live school books all for me!" Lets see if she stays that excited in the coming years! 

Paul and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary this past week. I can't believe it's been that long! Life seems to be going by faster and faster. My baby is in kindergarten and reading, next she'll be going ot college and getting married.....sigh, I better stop, I might start crying!

My Favorite Things

Thoughts...

I was reading Zephaniah the other day and I read this...

He is a mighty Savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Zephaniah 3:17
 
 
He is there. He loves you. He delights in you! How awesome is that?





I also read this and it made me smile...


"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in staying strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day & I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepburn

A little bit of this and that...

Leave it to the four year old girl to turn exercise bands into fashion!

The sky after a major thunderstorm. I thought it was pretty. 

Summer Fun! Finally got to break out Lauren's inflatable pool. Trying to get as much use out of it as we can. She'll be too long in another month or so!

                       

I'm still here!

       Sorry that it has been so long since I've posted. Life got complicated for a bit. So here is the Lauren scoop: We are officially on ONE medication. Weaning her off of the other one was quite the experience. Her little mind wasn't sure what was going on and her behavior and attitiude got pretty nasty. I literally would put her to bed at night and then sit on the couch and burst into tears. Thankfully, all seems better now.  The only side effect we see is that she has a period of hyperness right after she takes her medicine.  I will take a little hyperness anyday over what we went through before! She is sailing right along in her reading lessons and is really excited to start kindergarten.  It's so excting to watch her learn!
        So the question was asked by my other blogger friends: What is your favorite sport and why.....Well, believe it or not, when I was younger I was actaully pretty athletic. I played tennis, soccer and I swam on a swim team for a while. I had a very short fascination with ice skating for a while.  My favorite sport to participate in was swimming. You could move much faster in water than on land so that made me feel like I was really good! :)  Honestly, I don't watch a lot of sports now, but I do love to watch the Olympics. Swimming and diving are my favorites in the summer and my favorite in the winter is ice skating. Only in my dreams am I that graceful!

Reading!

So, I feel the need to brag on my child. She read her very first sentence all by herself today.  Her sentences are things like "Sam sat on a ram and the ram can not see" type sentences. Maybe next week we'll start on a novel. :)  This is a major milestone for us. I was a bit worried about how all this medication and epilepsy would affect the process. She has done so well. She has caught on better than I ever imagined she would.  It is so exciting to see her so proud of herself!

A moment in my head...

I wish I had some random funny things to say about the week, but I don't. To be honest, things have been a bit crazy. I blogged earlier about Lauren's medication change. Well, we are slowly weaning off of one and increasing the dose of the other. The outcome at present is that we have the same side effects from the first medication, just not as intense, with extreme hyperness to top it off.   The tough part is she is also going through her four year old stage of trying to practice self control. There has been quite a few tears (from both of us!) and some privileges taken away. Parenting is challenging to begin with, but parenting a child who is on medication that affects her moods is craziness. We are constantly trying to figure out if her behavior is due to medication, epilepsy or just being four.
Please don't think that I'm griping and complaining! Life could be so much worse!  I really shouldn't have anything to be upset about. Our needs are met. My child is living and breathing.  I have come to realize that when I pray I have such a "woe is me" attitude sometimes and that is so wrong! My attitude needs to be one of thankfulness. When I am thankful it doesn't change my circumstances. It radically changes my viewpoint and brings back into the presence of God, where I can find joy.

Easter

Our Easter Tulips....I couldn't find any Lillies

Getting ready for the Easter egg hunt with our lovely prefilled eggs from Target! Yes, I forgot the the camera for the egg hunt. Yes, I have mommy guilt! 

 The Dress...this dress was big news in our house. My mom found a dress that had a matching doll dress with it. There was a big discussion about leaving the doll in the car when we got to church. Apparently the doll needed to hear that "Jesus is Alive" too. I wish it had been warm enough to go without the sweater because the sleeveless look was really cute. I was really excited that she let me put a pony tail in. It's a daily argument over her hair. FYI: Just keep the hair short until they can take care of it themselves!

It was an amazing day. It was actually very low key and we ended up doing yardwork and things, but our worship and message at church just stayed with me.  I am so thankful and so glad that God chose to love me!

Spring?

I am so excited to see the sunshine! I love walking aroud without a jacket or a sweatshirt. It's so pretty outside, I'm afraid that it won't stay! We'll probably have some freak storm soon. I'm having a difficult time being positive about our weather. We tend to have windstorms, blizzards, icestroms...heck, let's through in an earthquake!
 I was able to attend another birth on Monday. It was incredible! I picked up a lot of massage business this week. My whole body hurts today! I love my job, but.....ouch! I can say, though, that I can arm wrestle my husband and almost win. If you have seen him, then you know that is quite an accomplishment! :) At least all the massge helps me build up my upper body strength even though I feel like I just worked out 12 times in a row.
 I am really looking forward to focusing on Resurrection Day and family time this weekend. I might just read a fiction novel! I made it! 40 days and no novels. Only in God's strength.  I came close to caving a time or two.

Update on Lauren: We have decided to go ahead and switch her medication. Her side effects from the previous one were not subsiding even though we lowered the dosage as far as we could. It's going to take a few months for us to make the switch. We have to introduce this new medication VERY slowly or it could cause problems. She will be on both medications for a little while. Please pray that she can handle this new medication a little better!

Why must they grow up?

Remember those giant blow pops?......yeah.....

The good with the bad....

So, it has been an eventful week. Please don't judge me by the story I'm about to tell you....I got pulled over the other night..with my four year old in the car. If you know Charlestown, then you know that the speed flucuates driving through town. It was late at night and Lauren and I were on the way home from a friend's house. I had just reached the part of town where the speed limit drops and started to slow down. No sooner had I hit the brakes than the lovely blue and red lights filled our car. My sweet four year old starts yelling and screaming "Mommy, what did you do? Are we going ot jail? I want to sleep in my own bed! Daddy will be very angry with you if we go to jail!" I'm telling her to calm down and tried to explain what happened when the cop comes over. I hand over my license and registration and the whole time Lauren is still yelling..SO the cop flashes his flashlight into the backseat and guess who doesn't have her seatbelt on? I know she put it on when we left our friend's house! She told me it just "came out". Maybe it did, I don't know. I ended up with a ticket, a child restraint violation and a nice talking to about being a responsible parent! Only me, only me...Thankfully my wonderful husband did not yell at me when he conveniently found the ticket on the counter and has only made one smart alecky comment about it all week.
The good part of the week was that I was privileged to be able to attend an incredible birth of a friend of mine. I love my job! Each birth is such testimony to the power of prayer. My friend was actually scheduled to have a c-section (not by choice) and she decided that if she was supposed to have a natural delivery she would go into to labor before the c-section was to take place. We all just prayed for God to give her peace about all of it.  Twenty four hours before her scheduled section her water broke. She was able to have the beautiful, drug free birth that she desired. God is in complete control of every little aspect of our lives! To some of you this may sound crazy, but my job is to help my clients have a positive birth experience, even if that means a c-section. If a mom doesn't feel good about the birth, then it can cause all kinds of post partum issues. Fifty percent of birth is phsycological.

Springtime fun!

.This is how real girls play football.....

in a skirt!

Two and half weeks!

My fast from fiction ends in two and a half weeks! The first week was hard, but after that my life became incredibly busy all of a sudden. I think it was a good thing. If I wasn't busy, I would have caved. I haven't really thought much about it. I even went to the library with Lauren yesterday and didn't even stop in the fiction section! I took out books on home organization instead....yes, I felt a bit like a loser with my big stack of DIY books. Anyway, I think that this has been a good experience. My priorities will be different when this is over!

Organization Destination

Ok, I have something to confess....I have a problem when it comes to organizing papers.. I can make things look organized at a glance, but if you look closer it's really a mess. One of the biggest issues that Paul and I have is trying to find something when we need it. It's the typical "Where is ___?  "I don't know. I thought you had it."  Things seemed to just end up in a stack on the desk. I finally decided that I was sick of it. I found an awesome website that is geared toward helping you organize your home. It's http://www.organizedhome.com/  I love it! I am slightly OCD and this site helps me use it in a positive way.  This site helped me put together a whole filing system that is practical and something that both Paul and I will use. I'm so excited to be free of all my paper clutter! No more sifting through papers!

Feeling old...

You know when you were in your early 20's and you could stay up all night and still function the next day? Well, today I am reminded that I am in my 30's. Last night I was able to witness an incredible birth and see a new little life come into the world. I got home home at 3:30 this morning and then had to be up to go to my little part time job at 6:30. Lauren was very nice and let me lay on the couch for 20 minutes when I got home this afternoon! I don't know why I get so shocked at myselfwhen it takes me longer and longer to recover from these overnight appearences that these babies like to make! All of my doula friends call it the baby "hangover," No matter how short or long the birth is you always come out extremely wrung out. I really can't complain, though...being able to witness the miracle of life is totally worth losing a little sleep over!

I have to share a funny comment from yesterday. I have been using Aveda hair products and if you have used them you know that they smell "earthy." Paul jokingly commented on my smelling like a hippie. Lauren heard him and says " What? My mommy smells like a hippo? Paul and I both cracked up.  Anyway, that was a bit of humor from our day....

Update on the Little Lady...

I really need to put some pictures up on here! Sorry I'm such a slacker....Ok, we had a neurology appointment today. I have to say that I love our neurologist. He listens! Today was her follow up to see how her medication was doing. Good news is the siezures are pretty much gone from what we can tell. Bad news is the side effects from the medication are causing issues. I know that every medication has side effects and I  am living in a dream world if I think that I can find one that is perfectly harmless. Lauren's personality seemed to alter slightly once we started this medication. She is very irritable and gets angry really easily. This is not at all our happy go lucky little girl. She complains of headaches and stomach pain daily and we have to force feed her half the time. Some days she is fine, but other days you have to bribe her.When your four year old is in the fetal position on her bed crying because her stomach hurts, you start to realize that this isn't normal. I went into the appointment thinking that we were going to have to live with this, but the Dr. listened to all the issues and suggested that we either lower her dosage of the current medication or switch her to one the has less side effects. For right now we are choosing to just lower her dosage and see if her side effects lessen at all. If it doesn't work, we have the other option. The tricky thing is trying to tell the difference between the problems.  It's kind of a guessing game right now to see which issues are medication induced and which ones are just due to the epilepsy. Epileptics suffer from headaches sometimes, but they can also be caused by medication. The same thing with the mood swings. It's hard to process the fact that even though we don't see the seizures anymore because of the anti-siezure med, she is still has epilepsy. The epilepsy is having it's own effects on her brain while we are just seeing the outward medication effects. I am very thankful to have options now, but feel a little overwhelmed. Cutting down her dosage means that there is a possiblity of her having siezures again until we get the dosage right...slightly scary. You know what, though?  We serve a God who is sovereign over all things. That is my comfort!

Let's go shopping!

I am always looking for unique jewelry and things. A few months ago I discovered etsy.com. Now my very creative sister n law is on there! Go check her out!
http://faradaisyjean.etsy.com/  

Time goes by...

The hardest thing about this fast from fiction is filling up my time with productive things and not replacing my addiction with another one! I am doing better than I thought I would.  I have only read one fiction book in two weeks. The book on cd that I listened to on the way home from my mom's doesn't count because it was an educational biography! At least that's what I'm telling myself...
Lauren and I made it back from D.C. in one piece, barely....one slightly scary event involving driving through a blizzard and having a tow truck pull us out of a snow bank. We were fine and the car was fine. The most hilarious part was Lauren yelling from the back seat that daddy would be quite upset with me if I went "sledding" down the road again! I thank God for His protection over us! I have some pictures to post from our trip, but I can't figure out how to get them off my camara phone onto the computer. My digital camara died as soon as I actually wanted to use it! Figures!
March is looking to be pretty busy. Waiting on two babies to make their way into the world and trying to get some massage clients in where I can.  I find myself wondering why I feel so worn out sometimes when I only have one child. There are so many of you who have multiple children and full time jobs! You brave women, you! Maybe I'm just getting wimpy...

Can I do this?

Ok, people. Here is a challenge for you. Our pastor gave us a 40 day challenge this week. No, we aren't catholic, but it does coinside with lent. Think about something in your life that you give more praise to than God? Is it technology (iphone, t.v.), is it food? What do you spend most of your attention on?  Now, you don't have to give it up all together. You can just limit it a bit. You can't give up eating, but you can limit a food addiction you might have. But don't give up chocolate and substitute it with skittles either!  Anyway, my issue is that I read way to many novels. I read mystery stuff...James Patterson, Harlan Coban, Lee Child and a whole lot of christian fiction. The problem is that I should be spending more time in the Word instead of reading whatever novel I have chosen. This might sound slightly ridiculous to you, but I have a serious reading addiction. Whenever I have a free moment I read. I read four to five 300 - 400 page novels in week on top of all the books for four year olds that we have around! So, my goal is to focus more on christian non-fiction (like a biography or a book on prayer) and Bible reading instead of the fiction.  As soon as we started talking about things that we should spend less time doing, I was extremely convicted.

Happy Day?

Well, Valentines day has come and gone. No, I did not get my Lexus, but I did get a rice cooker that I had been asking for and chocolate strawberries. Can't complain! We played hookie from church and drove up to Indianapolis to see my parents who happened to be in town for the weekend. Lauren had been asking for days to go visit her grandma so we  let Lauren go home with them.  I will go drive up this weekend to pick her up in D.C.  I was so excited to have a day or so to get some things done around the house. I purged Lauren's room and sorted through her too small clothes. I got caught up on all the laundry. Now that it's been a day, I miss my girl! It probably wouldn't be so bad if we weren't snowed in here and my husband wasn't going to be at work all night! So much for my week of valentines.....

God is so good!

Lauren's MRI results were normal! Nothing abnormal..no tumors, lesions or anything scary. Such a relief. I feel like we can finally breathe again. When we told Lauren that they didn't find anything in her head she said "Oh, wow! Is it empty?"  Gotta love the way they think!

Valentines day is coming ...hint, hint

A girl can dream can't she?....sigh

The MRI Experience

We got up at 5:45am  so that we could be at Kosairs on time this morning. Everything is going well and we make it with time to spare. Lauren had not been allowed to eat or drink anything at all since she was going to have to be sedated. On the way there she asks for a piece of gum and not thinking I gave it to her. When the nurse asked if she had anyhting to eat or drink, we remembered the gum. "Lauren spit out the gum." I can't, it's in my belly!" So, her test got pushed back eight hours so that we could wait for the gum to digest!. It was great fun telling our child that she couldn't eat anything for eight more hours! When we went back to the hospital to get the MRI done we were quite entertained by a very slap happy four year old who was so relaxed from the medication that she couldn't even sit up straight and just giggled for an hour! At least now we know that when she is under the influence she is quite happy. :) It took her a while to come out of the sedation, but she seems pretty good tonight. Hopefully we will have results within the next few days.

Victory?

I think I may have conquered the caffiene addiction. No more splitting headache or serious cravings. The day that my headache was the worst, was the day that we ran out of tylonol in our house! I toughed it out and I am glad that I did because going through that much pain is enough to keep me from getting myself hooked again.  Geez, I sound like I've just been through drug rehab! Anyway, during this process I only let myself have diet, caffiene free drinks. I'm hoping I have cut some of my refined sugar addiction, too. It's amazing the things that we don't think are a big deal are really big addictions in our lives! I would have never thought that caffiene was that big of an issue until I went through this.

What was I thinking!

For some reason when I get an idea I have to do it all the way. Last week I decided that I needed to cut back on caffiene. No, I thought well, why just cut back? Why not just cut it out completely? This is day three now. Monday and Tuesday weren't too bad. Today? Well, today I want to hurt somebody. I don't know if it is a mixture of my sinus issues along with withdrawl, but I think I might die today. Lauren keeps looking at me very curiously and asking "Are you ok mommy?" I just close my eyes and moan in agony... I don't know why I couldn't be ok with just cutting back. A little caffiene is ok right? I am trying to cut down on the soda intake so I thought well, cut out caffiene! Next I will want to cut sugar completely out....somebody stop me!

Yummm....

Do you ever think about a certain food and you just can't get it out of your head? This was mine today.

Trip to Mississippi

These are a couple of pictures from our trip to see Paul's family. The top picture is Lauren and Nana. Nana is Paul's grandmother. The last picture is of Lauren and G-Ma, Paul's mom. (Lauren looks funny in this picture because she has a jolly rancher in her mouth!) We had a good time. It was nice to get away from here and be able to to take a break from everything that has been going on the past six weeks or so. Lauren really enjoyed spending time with her grandparents. I have some more pictures to post later. Our trip home was pretty exciting. We ran into a storm in Tennessee and ended up staying the night with my brother and sister-in-law who live right outside Nashville. Thank you God for family! So it tooks two days to make it back to Indiana. We were all pretty disappointed to see that our part of the storm only left us with about an inch of snow!

Delight?

I was meeting with a friend today for a biblestudy on prayer and came across this verse...."Whom have I in heaven but you? And I have no delight or desire on earth beside You." Psalm 73:25   This should be the cry of our hearts! What does delighting in the Lord truly look like? This is a question that I have been pondering most of the day.  Matthew Henry says " What is the desire of  a good man? It is this, to know, and love, and live to God, to please him and be pleased in him."

Nothingness = Bliss!

 I attended a birth that was 27 hours long on Thursday. The most beautiful (and one of the longest!) experiences I have had as a doula. I can normally bounce back pretty fast from these marathon days, but not so much anymore! I had to work Friday and Saturday so that  could  have contributed to my fatigue. Paul and I declared a "Rest Day" today and it has been wonderful! We didn't even go to church. We laid around and played with Lauren all day. I have never felt so good doing absolutely nothing with my family. Lauren has been running a fever for a few days so one of  us would have had to stay home from the day's activities anyway. Everyone take a day sometime soon to just 'be' and hang out with those you love! Don't do any chores and order take out!

Babies, Babies and more Babies!

I just realized that it has been quite sometime since I have mentioned  anything about my doula work. I am getting ready to help with my 12th birth. I can't believe it! I have a pretty busy March and April planned. I have four scheduled so far.  I feel so privileged to be able to be apart of these new little lives! It's a pretty rewarding job. So, for any of you who were wondering, yes, I am still in the "baby" business and loving every minute of it! I just started a part time job at a little place in Louisville that has lactation consulting and everything you could possibly need for pregnancy and nursing. It's a really neat place to work having doula experience because everything that I talk about with customers directly relates to my baby job. I am learning so much!

Update...

So, after a week and a half Lauren is officially on her full dose of medication. We had to start her on it slowly due to it causing upset stomachs. Now the real test starts. We have to watch and see if  she continues to have any seizures on the full dose. We have definitely seen a decrease in the amount of seizures. It's hard to tell how many she is having because you have to be looking right into her face to tell if she is having one at that moment. I didn't realize this, but when she is having a seizure she is not in a daydreaming state at all, but she is completely unconscience. ( I try not to dwell on this! ) When we think that she isn't having anymore seizures after a period of time we will get a 24 hour EEG done to see if the medication has completely stopped them or not. Pray that it completely stops them! If not, then she will have to go on an additional medication. Ugh! So far the only side effects that we have seen is that she seems to be a bit more tired and has constant blue circles under her eyes. From what I have researched, this is normal. I was doing a bit more reading about CAE, and even though it is controlled by medication, kids can still develop learning disabilities with this disorder. This made me cry! I struggled (and still do) with a learning disability. I had a very difficult time in school. Dealing with these issues is not something that I ever thought she might ever have to do. The realization that she could have learning issues is very hard for me to deal with. God is in complete control. She is not our child, but His. I just pray that if this is what our future holds then God would equip all three of us to handle it to the best of our ability. I think I need to spend some time meditating on 2 Chron. 20:15!

Adjustments...

Hope this finds you all doing well. I am sad to see the holiday season end, but am excited to find out what will happen in the new year!
Well, life has been quite interesting here lately. Let me start from the very beginning. Lauren has had febrile seizures since she was about a year old. These happen when she gets sick and her fever goes up so high so fast that her little brain can't handle it and she has a seizure. She has had two of these that we know of. That being said, about a month and a half ago I started noticing that Lauren was having a hard time listening and paying attention to me. She has always been slightly clumsy, but seemed even more so lately. She developed a double ear infection right around this time and she had a lot of trouble hearing us. I had to make her look right in my face to get her to understand what I was telling her. I start noticing that when I was talking to her she would get this "glazed over" look for 5-15 seconds in the middle of a conversation. I didn't pay to much attention attention, but I did mention it to Paul and told him that I thought it looked like she might be having a slight seizure or something. I had never experienced anything like this with her before. Paul did some research on " Absence Epilepsy" and it described Lauren's behaviour to a T. I started to notice that the episodes started happening more and more often. She got to the point where she was having them every 5 to 10 minutes. I think I almost had a nervous breakdown! We got her into the pediatrician and she confirmed what we thought was going on. Lauren had an EEG and a neurology appt. and the neurologist said that she definitely has Childhood Onset Absence Epilepsy (CAE). It is treatable. From what the neurologist and all of the research that we have done say is that they don't cause any brain damage and the child has no idea what is happening. They don't even remember them. Lauren couldn't describe anything to us because she didn't know she was having them. This disorder develops between the ages of 4 and 9. The earlier they start, the more likely they are to grow out of them. There is a small percentage that they can develop into gran mal seizures later in life. Anyway, the neurologist thinks that Lauren's case is pretty straight forward and that she will grow out of them. It could be ten years, but he is hopeful. She is on medication now to help control them, meaning that they should go away completely. He believes that the febrile seizures and these absence seizures are connected and that this is some sort of genetic mutation that might have just skipped generations. I am so thankful for that double ear infection! Without it we wouldn't have noticed the seizures. Thinking about the future makes us a bit nervous. It's hard not to think about the what if's. What if she doesn't grow out of the seizures? What if she can't learn to drive because of them? What if her medication has some strange side effect? If anyone is on this medication for a long period of time it can lead to depression and suicidal tendancies in teenagers. It's hard to think about, but we just have to take it one day at a time and pray that she grows out of it. Life is so exciting! Everytime we have turned a corner this year it seems that God says " I need a little bit more faith from you!" I cling to Isaiah 43:2